Hey guys! It's Chasity. I previously and briefly stated that I was in foster care, that my biological parents were very abusive, and in result of that I have suffered with manic depression, PTSD, and anxiety. Mother's Day is approaching, and it never gets easier. Not just Mother's Day, but with any holiday. This will be my third Mother's Day as a mother and the first with my second child, who is my rainbow baby. Seeing everyone spending their days with their great mothers and seeing photos of the love that is filled in the Mother's and child's eyes as they hold each other is difficult, to say the least.
    As I hold my sweet son every single day I question why my biological mother never felt the love that consumes my soul. For many years I thought there was something wrong with me. That I must just be unlovable if the person who birthed me couldn't love me. If the main person set on this Earth to love me would rather bring me pain how could anyone else love me? I spent years questioning every single thing about myself, to the point where I almost hated who I was. I began to seek love in places...that would never give me love. I pushed people who did love me away, because they would just bring me pain or leave me too...right?
    When Langston cries my heart clinches, when he has to get shots I cry with him, when he is sick I worry and cry with/ for him. He is my heart. I want to protect him from any pain this world will bring him. I thought before I ever became a mother it was hard dealing with the love I was shorted out on from my own, but I just didn't know. Feeling the love I have for my children I can't fathom how she didn't feel that same love. She just didn't. She didn't protect me. She didn't cry with me. She didn't come when I needed her. She just didn't. Instead of protecting me when my biological father would come to beat her she would throw me or hold me in front of her. I became her shield. If she saw him hurting me...she watched. She looked on as I was molested. She WATCHED her child suffer and did nothing.
    Langston's needs have always come before my own. When he was a newborn I even used the bathroom on myself because I was trying to change, feed, or soothe him. Sure I could have set him down and let him cry for two minutes, but I couldn't bear to do that. As mothers, we tend to forget about ourselves, but my biological mother never thought of her children. Many times she sat and ate in front of us knowing we hadn't eaten anything in days.
    When my three siblings and I were taken into foster care she had a chance to get us back. The deal was if she left my bio father then she could have us and help would be given for childcare and bills. She didn't choose us. She never chose me. She never chose any of my siblings. She picked an abusive little boy over her own children. Yes, my bio father was in his 30s, but that doesn't make him a man, so I'm going to describe him as a little boy. When my first baby was stillborn my world shattered. I felt like I couldn't even breathe. I would've given any single thing to have him here. I would have given my own life for him to live. The chance to watch him grow, laugh, play, to change his diaper, or even bathe him was taken from me. I cannot imagine willfully giving my children up. That's not a thought my mind can comprehend.
    Not too long ago she wrote me a letter. I obsessed over this letter. I read it everyday. In this letter, she tried to tell me what happened didn't really happen. That because things that were done to me weren't in court documents it wasn't valid. A little into the letter she tried to take credit for who I am today, for things I have accomplished. She doesn't get to do that. She doesn't get to take credit and act like she did something great with me to make me the person I am today. If anything she made me set out to never become who she is. She also said that I needed to stop referring to her as her given name and call her mom, because "I am your mother". Just because you give birth to a child that doesn't make you that child's mother. 
    I decided to ask my Facebook friends what their personal definition of a mother was, and mostly everyone had the same idea. A mother is unconditional love, the person you have the strongest bond with, a mother does anything and everything for her children, she gives her last drop to her children, protector, boo-boo kisser, makes you feel happy and last but not least provider. Not one single person said "some who gives birth to a child". There is so much more to being a mother than birthing a tiny human. Motherhood holds so much beauty, and I am so very thankful I got the opportunity to be a mother to such a beautiful little boy.
    I cannot call my biological mother "mom" because she has never been a mom. I am almost 21 years old and I cannot think of one time she was a mother to me. It used to make me so angry when people who knew her would tell me how much she loves me. All I could think is "Then why doesn't she say that? Why have I not heard from this person in years, this person that loves me oh so much. Why did she bring me so much pain? If she loves me then why did she give me a life that I spend forever trying to overcome?" It's because she didn't. She just didn't. She never loved me unconditionally. She never chose me.
    If you are reading this just know that I choose me. I choose love. I choose my son every single day. I choose to be the mother and woman you never were. I choose to not need you or your love.

Me wa Kuchi hodo ni mono o ii.
The eyes speak as much as the mouth. (Love needs no words)
- Japanese Proverb